rory marinich
crisis in black #1
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oxygene by jean michel jarre. a little glass sphere that i can fit in my mouth. electronics this cheesy shouldn't put me in such a crisis.
i'm supposed to be selling smirnoff fucking flavored vodka. i don't drink and when i drink i don't drink hard liquor and when i drink hard liquor i don't drink vodka and when i drink vodka it's sure as shit not going to be flavored.
citizen kane. i want to keep watching this until it stops being an icon of great cinema and starts being a movie. look at welles until he starts to look like welles.
xiu xiu — chocolate makes me happy. swans — public castration is a good idea. bjork — vespertine. glenn branca — symphonies nos. 1, 8, 10.
i'm skipping my tuesday classes twice in a row. fuck it. i've missed each one once earlier. now i've missed each one three times. i am not going to guilt myself about skipping a class three times. i am not a bad person. fuck fuck fuck it.
i wish you wouldn't show up in my life when i'm not expecting you. i wish you would stop canceling the plans we actually made. i wish i didn't like seeing you so much. i wish you didn't have to leave.
michelle alexander's book "the new jim crow" says that more black people are stuck in/abused by the american prison system now than were slaves in 1850. i grew up thinking things were significantly better. they're not. and i don't know if i can make as huge a difference as i want to make.
there's the horny stupid me. and there's the stupid academic me. and there's the stupid me that wants to change everything.
why am i fucking selling shit in a bottle to people my age who are too stupid to see a point to live beyond poorly-flavored oblivion when there are people whose situations are even worse-off and who had even less of a choice? why are these people wasting their youngness? why am i?
i liked it more when i thought i was the only person who ever had interesting thoughts. because then i could ignore everybody else. and then i could talk talk talk without ever wondering when i ought to shut up. and then when i made a mistake i was so far beyond everything that nobody would ever notice. i hate being wrong. i hate looking at my own low opinion of people and realizing they're thinking the same back about me. i want to change. i will change. but once i have changed for the better the world won't have changed along with me.
being wise means you have to get sneered at by fools. being humble means you have to get sneered at by the arrogant. being willing to open yourself means you have to get belittled by the overclosed. i wish i could sneer at people. i wish the fun thing to do was also the right thing to do.
thomas merton's "the seven storey mountain"
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